When I was coping with the dissolution of my marriage, one of the hardest things for me to deal with was no longer having someone who was always there for me- someone to talk with about the mundane day-to-day things in life, to celebrate successes with, someone to provide solace or support during the hard times. Someone to take care of and to be taken care of by. I have really had to learn how to be on my own. And I have finally succeeded in doing that. There are definitely still times when I miss having that someone... like when I was curled up in bed for days on end, terribly ill. At the same time, though, in many ways I have come to enjoy being answerable only to myself. Proving that I can, indeed, take care of myself...

During the upheaval of the last year, I have made friends, and I have lost them. It's the two that I have lost that I find myself thinking about this evening. I don't lose friends easily. I like to think that I'm a good friend. I'm loyal, and generous with my time and affection. Of course, I'm also a bit needy. Or I can be.

The two friends I have lost represented very different things in my life. I find myself unable to write about one of them, but the other- well, it turns out that he wasn't really my friend- he took advantage of me in a pretty terrible way. After weeks of drama, and trauma, I finally found the strength to cut the cord. It was the first time that I have actively friendship-dumped anyone. And it was tremendously difficult. And yet, months later, I don't regret that decision at all. That person now falls into that category of "somebody that I used to know"... which, in its own way, is kind of sad. But I suppose it's also how life goes. People come and go in our lives. And in most cases, there is not an active break- more often, friendships seem to fade naturally over time. Although these days, I am loathe to let anyone go.... Tenacious, this one.

Anyway, I was going to ramble on with my treatise on friendship, but I find myself not in the mood. Time to scrounge up some food, instead...

Finding the balance

One of the goals for my time in Germany was to work on finding a proper work/life balance, something that seems to be difficult for many academics. A lot of people don't seem to realize that just because academic faculty don't have typical 9-5 jobs, and may only be physically lecturing 6-10 hours a week, it's not uncommon for us to work 60-80 hours a week (or even more). This varies throughout the year, but there's grading, lecture prep, committee work, student advising, and, of course, research and writing. In 2009-2010 when I was serving as a Visiting Assistant Professor, I worked a minimum of 10 hours a day, 7 days a week. I have a tendency toward workaholism. I always want to be the best I can be. To do the best job I can. But, as I have learned over the last year, that can pay a heavy toll on one's personal life.

...And when I got here, I was still pulling the pieces of my life back together, and I was completely unable to establish anything resembling a routine. Of course, it is difficult to have anything resembling a routine when one is constantly moving. In any case, since I have gotten back to Tubingen, I am finally establishing that routine. And while I recognize that I am living a life of academic luxury this year, as I am basically on a year of sabbatical, I am learning more and more about what I would like my life to look like. I am getting work done, but I am also having fun... I am finding the balance. ...I am lucky to be surrounded by a really great/dynamic/social group of young scholars- many of whom seem to actually have a good work/life balance, themselves (work hard, play hard- hah). I am aware I probably won't have access to the same sort social environment next year. All the more reason to take advantage of it while I can....

Things that have contributed to making this place feel comfortable/more like home (it's amazing how many of these have to do with food):

1) Finding processed/pre-sliced wheat sandwich bread that stays fresh for more than a week, allowing me to return to my usual packed sandwiches and a piece of fruit (this also saves me a ton of money).

2) Finding a toaster stuffed away in one of Helga's cabinets, allowing me to have toast for breakfast.

3) Finding tasty crunchy peanut butter to go on said toast.

4) Finding proper orange juice (although this requires trips to REWE, so I don't have it as much as I'd like).

5) Having my hammock hanging in the living room.

6) Getting the mattress topper, so that I get normal/full nights of sleep... although now I have to fight my way out of bed in the morning.

7) Being able to understand the language well enough to follow things on TV (also good language training).

8) Having a social life.

9) My Christmas ficus- no proper Christmas tree, but I've made due.

10) Having the Airport Express, so that I can have an apartment full of music (whether that is bad American pop, Christmas music, or acoustic folky-bluegrass from my limited music collection).

11) The fact that my internet phone is functioning again, meaning that I am only a (free) phone call away from many friends/family in the US.

Although I am going home for two weeks over the holidays (a trip I am looking forward to a lot!), I am also looking forward to settling in here for the winter. Hopefully it will be a happy and productive season- I certainly have a lot to do!

Stories About Turkey

1) It was nice to have a proper Thanksgiving meal with friends. Chris came over to help get things ready, and he was the one who ultimately took care of the turkey, which was probably for the best as I was still recovering from my mystery disease (which was capped off by a double-case of pinkeye). A week and a half later, there are still some leftovers in my fridge, which should probably be tossed by this point. Given how lazy I am about cooking, if I hadn't left the country, I surely would have consumed them all.

2) Istanbul has a really curious- but cool- relationship with street animals. There are cats EVERYWHERE, and unlike the street cats in other cities I've been to (like Jerusalem), they tend to be clean and healthy-looking and very friendly- not skittish at all. They appear to be tolerated visitors at most shops along the way from the end of Istikal Street down to the Bosphorus, and we were constantly seeing people petting them. Same goes for dogs, which are taken in by the city and spayed/neutered, given shots, and tagged. The dogs, in particular, seemed to have particular shops/cafes in which they would spend most of their time.

3) Seeing the Byzantine structures in Istanbul was *amazing*, particularly the Hagia Sophia. I think part of my fascination with the Hagia Sophia, in particular, is because it was a central focal point of my favorite historical fiction books- Guy Gavriel Kay's Sailing to Sarantium and Lord of Emperors, both of which were set in the Byzantine Empire under Justinian. But really, to think about the fact that it was built 1500 years ago is really astounding. ...I did find it a bit sad that many of the mosaics were taken down/covered up by the Ottomans, though. You could also see places where crossed had been taken down/chipped out throughout the building, too.


Must get back to work. More stories later.

In mid-October, I was sick for more than a week. I had a lingering fever and a really nasty cough. By the time I went to the doctor (on day 6 of the illness), they were worried about pneumonia, but luckily the antibiotics did their thing and I got better. So when I woke up on Sunday with a sore throat, I went into denial mode. Surely I couldn't be sick, AGAIN, already. I had plans to go to church with two friends, work at my office all day, and then see the same friends for dinner, so I got dressed and went down the hill. It didn't take long for me to realize that I had made a poor decision. By the mid-afternoon, I could no longer deny that I was thoroughly ill, so I cancelled on dinner and made my way home, where I immediately got into bed. And experienced two more days of feverish misery. I am not sure my throat has ever hurt so badly in my life. And I was out of any sort of pain reliever/fever reducers. Luckily, a kind friend brought me drugs, soup, and 7-Up, so at least I didn't have to go out into the freezing cold (literally- the temp here has been dropping below freezing at night, and isn't getting much above 40 by mid-afternoon). Last night, my fever finally broke, allowing me some solid sleep (finally!), and today my throat is feeling a lot better, although I am still really exhausted.

... I know I need to take it easy the next few days, but I am getting anxious about getting enough work done, and I'm really running out of time before Christmas, especially since I am going to Istanbul next week. Of course, that's part of the reason that I DO need to take it easy- the last thing I want is to spend my 5 days in Turkey feeling sick.

Of course, my trip to Istanbul is not my only upcoming turkey adventure, as I'm roasting one on Sunday for a Thanksgiving party that I am hosting. Per the advice of a friend, I am going to try brining it first- we'll see how that goes. I'm a little, tiny bit nervous. Or a lot nervous. This is my first time roasting a bird!

Stay tuned for details on how my Turkish adventures panned out...

Since returning to Tubingen, life has been full in a way it hasn't been for a long time. I'm jumping on every opportunity to be social- to hang out with colleagues/friends, to see more of area- it's been nice. I am settling into life here, slowly but surely. My German is still not where I would like it to be, but in the last week or so, I've noticed a marked improvement in my comprehension- like something finally clicked. Now I'm hoping the same thing will happen with my spoken German...

I am slowly easing myself into a productive work space, as well. This year is all about finding the right balance (on many levels). I have a number of things I'd like to get done before I leave for the US; I can't believe that trip is just ~6 weeks away. It means that I need to get on the ball a bit more, especially since I have the 5-day trip to Turkey over Thanksgiving. Speaking of which, I should probably go and do some research on what I want to do while I'm there-- since my travel book is in German, it'll also be good practice for my translation skills.