During the upheaval of the last year, I have made friends, and I have lost them. It's the two that I have lost that I find myself thinking about this evening. I don't lose friends easily. I like to think that I'm a good friend. I'm loyal, and generous with my time and affection. Of course, I'm also a bit needy. Or I can be.

The two friends I have lost represented very different things in my life. I find myself unable to write about one of them, but the other- well, it turns out that he wasn't really my friend- he took advantage of me in a pretty terrible way. After weeks of drama, and trauma, I finally found the strength to cut the cord. It was the first time that I have actively friendship-dumped anyone. And it was tremendously difficult. And yet, months later, I don't regret that decision at all. That person now falls into that category of "somebody that I used to know"... which, in its own way, is kind of sad. But I suppose it's also how life goes. People come and go in our lives. And in most cases, there is not an active break- more often, friendships seem to fade naturally over time. Although these days, I am loathe to let anyone go.... Tenacious, this one.

Anyway, I was going to ramble on with my treatise on friendship, but I find myself not in the mood. Time to scrounge up some food, instead...

Finding the balance

One of the goals for my time in Germany was to work on finding a proper work/life balance, something that seems to be difficult for many academics. A lot of people don't seem to realize that just because academic faculty don't have typical 9-5 jobs, and may only be physically lecturing 6-10 hours a week, it's not uncommon for us to work 60-80 hours a week (or even more). This varies throughout the year, but there's grading, lecture prep, committee work, student advising, and, of course, research and writing. In 2009-2010 when I was serving as a Visiting Assistant Professor, I worked a minimum of 10 hours a day, 7 days a week. I have a tendency toward workaholism. I always want to be the best I can be. To do the best job I can. But, as I have learned over the last year, that can pay a heavy toll on one's personal life.

...And when I got here, I was still pulling the pieces of my life back together, and I was completely unable to establish anything resembling a routine. Of course, it is difficult to have anything resembling a routine when one is constantly moving. In any case, since I have gotten back to Tubingen, I am finally establishing that routine. And while I recognize that I am living a life of academic luxury this year, as I am basically on a year of sabbatical, I am learning more and more about what I would like my life to look like. I am getting work done, but I am also having fun... I am finding the balance. ...I am lucky to be surrounded by a really great/dynamic/social group of young scholars- many of whom seem to actually have a good work/life balance, themselves (work hard, play hard- hah). I am aware I probably won't have access to the same sort social environment next year. All the more reason to take advantage of it while I can....

Things that have contributed to making this place feel comfortable/more like home (it's amazing how many of these have to do with food):

1) Finding processed/pre-sliced wheat sandwich bread that stays fresh for more than a week, allowing me to return to my usual packed sandwiches and a piece of fruit (this also saves me a ton of money).

2) Finding a toaster stuffed away in one of Helga's cabinets, allowing me to have toast for breakfast.

3) Finding tasty crunchy peanut butter to go on said toast.

4) Finding proper orange juice (although this requires trips to REWE, so I don't have it as much as I'd like).

5) Having my hammock hanging in the living room.

6) Getting the mattress topper, so that I get normal/full nights of sleep... although now I have to fight my way out of bed in the morning.

7) Being able to understand the language well enough to follow things on TV (also good language training).

8) Having a social life.

9) My Christmas ficus- no proper Christmas tree, but I've made due.

10) Having the Airport Express, so that I can have an apartment full of music (whether that is bad American pop, Christmas music, or acoustic folky-bluegrass from my limited music collection).

11) The fact that my internet phone is functioning again, meaning that I am only a (free) phone call away from many friends/family in the US.

Although I am going home for two weeks over the holidays (a trip I am looking forward to a lot!), I am also looking forward to settling in here for the winter. Hopefully it will be a happy and productive season- I certainly have a lot to do!

Stories About Turkey

1) It was nice to have a proper Thanksgiving meal with friends. Chris came over to help get things ready, and he was the one who ultimately took care of the turkey, which was probably for the best as I was still recovering from my mystery disease (which was capped off by a double-case of pinkeye). A week and a half later, there are still some leftovers in my fridge, which should probably be tossed by this point. Given how lazy I am about cooking, if I hadn't left the country, I surely would have consumed them all.

2) Istanbul has a really curious- but cool- relationship with street animals. There are cats EVERYWHERE, and unlike the street cats in other cities I've been to (like Jerusalem), they tend to be clean and healthy-looking and very friendly- not skittish at all. They appear to be tolerated visitors at most shops along the way from the end of Istikal Street down to the Bosphorus, and we were constantly seeing people petting them. Same goes for dogs, which are taken in by the city and spayed/neutered, given shots, and tagged. The dogs, in particular, seemed to have particular shops/cafes in which they would spend most of their time.

3) Seeing the Byzantine structures in Istanbul was *amazing*, particularly the Hagia Sophia. I think part of my fascination with the Hagia Sophia, in particular, is because it was a central focal point of my favorite historical fiction books- Guy Gavriel Kay's Sailing to Sarantium and Lord of Emperors, both of which were set in the Byzantine Empire under Justinian. But really, to think about the fact that it was built 1500 years ago is really astounding. ...I did find it a bit sad that many of the mosaics were taken down/covered up by the Ottomans, though. You could also see places where crossed had been taken down/chipped out throughout the building, too.


Must get back to work. More stories later.

In mid-October, I was sick for more than a week. I had a lingering fever and a really nasty cough. By the time I went to the doctor (on day 6 of the illness), they were worried about pneumonia, but luckily the antibiotics did their thing and I got better. So when I woke up on Sunday with a sore throat, I went into denial mode. Surely I couldn't be sick, AGAIN, already. I had plans to go to church with two friends, work at my office all day, and then see the same friends for dinner, so I got dressed and went down the hill. It didn't take long for me to realize that I had made a poor decision. By the mid-afternoon, I could no longer deny that I was thoroughly ill, so I cancelled on dinner and made my way home, where I immediately got into bed. And experienced two more days of feverish misery. I am not sure my throat has ever hurt so badly in my life. And I was out of any sort of pain reliever/fever reducers. Luckily, a kind friend brought me drugs, soup, and 7-Up, so at least I didn't have to go out into the freezing cold (literally- the temp here has been dropping below freezing at night, and isn't getting much above 40 by mid-afternoon). Last night, my fever finally broke, allowing me some solid sleep (finally!), and today my throat is feeling a lot better, although I am still really exhausted.

... I know I need to take it easy the next few days, but I am getting anxious about getting enough work done, and I'm really running out of time before Christmas, especially since I am going to Istanbul next week. Of course, that's part of the reason that I DO need to take it easy- the last thing I want is to spend my 5 days in Turkey feeling sick.

Of course, my trip to Istanbul is not my only upcoming turkey adventure, as I'm roasting one on Sunday for a Thanksgiving party that I am hosting. Per the advice of a friend, I am going to try brining it first- we'll see how that goes. I'm a little, tiny bit nervous. Or a lot nervous. This is my first time roasting a bird!

Stay tuned for details on how my Turkish adventures panned out...

Since returning to Tubingen, life has been full in a way it hasn't been for a long time. I'm jumping on every opportunity to be social- to hang out with colleagues/friends, to see more of area- it's been nice. I am settling into life here, slowly but surely. My German is still not where I would like it to be, but in the last week or so, I've noticed a marked improvement in my comprehension- like something finally clicked. Now I'm hoping the same thing will happen with my spoken German...

I am slowly easing myself into a productive work space, as well. This year is all about finding the right balance (on many levels). I have a number of things I'd like to get done before I leave for the US; I can't believe that trip is just ~6 weeks away. It means that I need to get on the ball a bit more, especially since I have the 5-day trip to Turkey over Thanksgiving. Speaking of which, I should probably go and do some research on what I want to do while I'm there-- since my travel book is in German, it'll also be good practice for my translation skills.

Earlier this evening, I was sitting in my apartment, listening to the radio over Helga's stereo system (thanks to the gift of an Airport Express), when Britney Spears' "Til the World Ends" came on. The song immediately took me back to the late winter/early spring, when the song got a lot of radio play. I have a weakness for bad pop (and particularly for Britney Spears' music), and when the song would come on, I would crank my car stereo up as high it would go. Loud enough that the car would vibrate from the base. And I would speed around the twists and turns on 321/221/the Blue Ridge Parkway and try to lose myself in the music. In any case, I was certainly lost. Life was not happy. I was not well. My life had imploded in quite spectacular fashion.

...Here we are, many months later. In nearly every way that counts, life has improved. I have a postdoc that doesn't require me to do much of anything. I have a really nice apartment. In Europe. I have a full time job after the post-doc is over. And yet, I still struggle, and still sometimes fall into the same well in which I found myself earlier in the year. Those times are fewer and farther between, but they're still there. And while I feel like I am carrying around a neon sign that says "I'm still broken!", what I have learned is that people who are just meeting me do not see it. I have been told that I come across as a friendly, smiling, well-adjusted person. People have actually expressed shock to learn what I have gone through during the last year. This is perplexing to me, because I do not put up fronts. I can't do it. I have no poker face. So how can I understand this apparent contradiction? Because if asked, I would not say that I am a particularly happy person. I don't give up. I refuse to let life beat me down. I am doing the best I can to deal with my life. But happy? Not there yet. And yet, I think I can see my way there. I'll let you know when I find that place.

(And I actually mean to start posting here again, now that my language course is over and real life has begun again)

Traveling alone is not something I typically enjoy. In Africa, I've never felt particularly safe doing it. Interestingly, though, it was when I was alone in Nairobi that a couple of tourists actually invited me to dinner with them- I guess in recognition that it can be lonely to be a girl alone, so clearly far from home. Thus far in Germany, no one has approached me, or even spoken to me, when I have been out and about. Since I don't speak much German, that may be for the best, anyway. However, in a way, I'd welcome that. I suppose what I really should do is approach someone myself- find the lonely looking person, or even a friendly seeming group, and just dive right in. At the moment, though, I'm just feeling too shy for that. Touring the country on my own is enough of a big step for me as it is...:)

Okay, well, I am continuing to be a terrible blogger, after such promise during the first week. Ah well. I cannot believe that I've been here nearly a month already (okay, I guess I'm still a week shy of a full month, but, still). I'm definitely still adjusting/settling in- in some ways, I probably won't really be able to settle in until after I get back from my language course in late October... I am realizing that two months is actually a really long time to be taking a language course, particularly one that meets 4+ hours a day. And I'm hoping that there will be at least one fellow Humboldtian in the course, meaning someone roughly my own age, as opposed to a lot of youngsters. Not that I have anything against hanging out with people younger than myself- I certainly have friends that are a lot younger than me, but it would also be nice to have some peers around.

I'm debating about what I should do with myself this weekend- I'd like to take a day trip on Saturday, but I'm not sure where to go. I finally downloaded a travel guide to my Kindle, so at least I can have a better idea of what's out there, and how to get around. I've heard great things about the Bodensee, so maybe I'll go there? The weather looks like it'll be gorgeous- probably great for a swim. :)

Okay, back to work.

The days continue to fly by, while the nights drag on and on, mostly thanks to the nocturnal activities of the Siebenschlaefers, also known as edible dormice. They scurry around the roof, and it's apparently mating season. The mating ritual of the male dormouse involves lots of screeching. And apparently some kind of circular courtship dance. In any case, they've been waking me up repeatedly throughout the night for the past several days, meaning it's probably time for me to invest in ear plugs. I've also been making the poor decision to get my laptop out, and of course the middle of the night in Germany is early-mid evening in the US, which means a great time to catch people online.

And, with that, I must get back to work.

Okay, so, I have been a bit of a slacker with the blog posts, and I will endeavor to do better. It's strange how fast this past week went; it seems a bit crazy to me that I've already been here more than two weeks. I have thoroughly impressed myself with my ability to procrastinate.

While I still go through spells of feeling utterly isolated and alone in this foreign land, in many ways I am settling in quite nicely. I am fortunate that the folks at the Institute are quite friendly. On the vast majority of days, I can count on having someone to go to lunch/coffee with, since I've been here I've been to a few parties and multiple dinners out, and last night I went out dancing with a group of girls. The last was a fun experience for a number of reasons; first, it's nice not to be the only awkward female academic on the dance floor. But also nice to be with others who seem to embrace or at least own the fact that they are lacking rhythm, and who will just go for it, regardless. This group is extraordinarily international- five girls, five countries, and there is no one language all of us share. Seems to mean that there will be a lot of French spoken around me, but, I have taken French on multiple occasions in my past, so maybe I'll start to pick up bits and pieces again? One can hope. I suppose I *should* focus on my German before thinking about any other languages, tho.

I think that's what is on the docket for today- German language CDs. I really should have started with those months ago, and, at the least, since I arrived here, but I've been spending my evenings chatting with people online rather than working, so, yeah. One of my friends proposed that I really need to wean myself away from the internet- from my connections with people at home- ostensibly because it could take away from my time/focus on my life here, and getting to know people here. And I'm sure that as I continue to settle in here, I won't spend quite so much time on the computer, but for now, I'm glad to have the support network.

Time for Sunday chores...

Still getting into the swing of things, and apparently the "swing of things" here means 2 hour lunch breaks- generally, 1 hour for lunch followed by coffee. And then there are the ice cream breaks. ;) Very different sort of work environment. My productivity is not being helped by the fact that despite my continued tendency to wake up around 5:45, I don't get out of bed until after 9. Ah well. I'll get there. As AJS says, "slowly, slowly." Actually, when one of the other post-docs heard about what I've been through this year, she told me to take as much time as possible off. To just enjoy Europe. To find a beach and sip cool drinks. Hah. I'd feel bad if I did that, and it's not like I haven't gotten anything done- I just haven't gotten up to full steam yet. :)

Today begins my second week in Germany. While there are still some logistical things that need to be sorted out, I no longer have any real excuse for not properly getting to work. So, here I sit at my desk, surrounded by paperwork... blogging. Oops. This'll be a short one.

My Sunday was quiet; I suspect that this will generally be the case, as stores are all closed here on Sundays- even the larger supermarkets. Harkening back to an earlier era, I suppose. I am not sure if it's quaint or irritating. Perhaps a little of both. I'm actually a bit surprised by it, because the Germans I know don't seem particularly religious, but I guess it's become more of a cultural thing.

Now that it's August, town will be quiet, as the University is on break, and as is the case in many other European cities, people disappear in August- go off on vacation somewhere or other. My first experience with this came in Paris last year; I was shocked to learn that much of city just sort of shuts down in August- bakeries, restaurants, shops- many are closed. For a month! So, if you want to experience Paris in the absence of the Parisians, go in August.

Anyway, I've officially gotten settled into my apartment; I re-arranged some of the furniture and the plants, etc. I should have brought some photos with me, something to put on the walls or on the bookshelves. Something to make it feel more like home. Guess that's something I can work on this week (getting prints made, that is)...

...I went to a birthday party last night for someone at the Institute; there were around 12 people there, and I believe the final tally was 9 countries being represented- that's even more international than the parties I went to at Wits. The number of languages being thrown around was, as a rule, many fewer than 9; mostly it was German and English, with some French and Spanish thrown in, but it was definitely an interesting night.

Now that I'm on my own in my apartment, I'm finally getting properly settled; tomorrow I'll work on moving all my clothes from the drawers in the living room to those in the bedroom. I've noticed that Germans, like many Europeans, don't believe in sheets, which is really perplexing. There is a bottom/fitted sheet, and then a heavy comforter. And that's it. And while it's been cool, it IS still summer. So, for the moment I'm actually using my sleeping bag, which is a sheet on one side and a light weight blanket on the other side. I suppose I really ought to get myself to the store to find a proper sheet, though, presuming such things even exist here.

I continue to be impressed with how environmentally conscious people are here, and how good they are about sorting their trash (there may be heavy fines if you don't do it properly??)- they even compost at the university; but I guess part of this is because Tubingen is currently run by the Green Party. Speaking of being green, I need to figure out where the composting box for my house actually is- might be time to explore the yard, which is a bit of a jungle, with plants every which-a-where...

...I took my first ride on a motorcycle today. Zipping along the streets of Tubingen on the back of Helga's bike, I caught our reflection in a shop window, and I had one of those "this is my life?" moments... I've had a lot of those moments this year; lots of unexpected things have happened. Things I could never have pictured even a year ago. On the bike, I was mostly terrified, and hanging on for dear life. Given how recently I have recovered from my driving phobia, perhaps this fear is unsurprising.

I'm hoping to be able to get out and about this weekend; start orienting myself to the larger region, and to the train system, as I would presume that most of my traveling will be done via train. I know that I am going to have to force myself to get out and do things; it would be very easy for me to live a circumscribed life, but, really, at what other point in my life will I have the opportunity that I have now? I can't (or shouldn't) take it for granted. But I can be so timid, and it's easier to stick to what is comfortable. I still have a lot of work to do in order to really come out of my shell...

Homesickness?

I'd like to say that I'm homesick, but since I don't have a home, that doesn't make a lot of sense. But how would one describe the feeling of wanting to have a home? I am longing for a place I can call home- a place where I feel safe, and comfortable. A place where I fit, and that fits me.

I wonder when a place begins to feel like home? Obviously, I can't expect Tubingen to feel like home just yet- I haven't even been here a week. But I wonder what it is that makes a place feel like home? Is it the physical residence? The region? The people? It's probably some combination of these, although I rather suspect that the latter may in some ways be the most important. I can say that Boone never really felt like home to me, and in a lot of ways, Dallas didn't either, even though I was there for a longer period of time (but still less than a year). I think with Dallas, I was just so busy, and I didn't have a car, so I never really got to explore the area- my life was so small there- I rarely moved outside of a five block radius.

...I find it curious that I almost immediately felt at home when I visited my friend's family farm in SW Virginia. I've only spent parts of maybe 6-7 days there, and yet when I'm there, it feels like home. Why is that? And, really, when I visited my sister in DC, her house also felt very home-like (I certainly made myself at home, and made a huge mess of her guest room :) ), and, again, I was only there a week.

I guess, then, home is about being with or near the people you care about; living in close proximity to them, if not in the same building. I am curious about what kind of life I will build here, even if I'm only here temporarily. I hope that one day I will wake up, and realize that this place feels like home.

I continue to discover that it's a bit of a hassle to move to a new country. Who would have guessed? The fact that I am at all surprised by this only goes to show how unprepared I was for this move; how little I allowed myself to think about it, which is strange, given that I'm usually such a type-A personality. However, I now have an empty German bank account, and I've registered with the town, which is the first step towards getting a visa for the year. I remain frustrated because I have not gotten reply emails from the people from whom I tried to purchase health insurance, nor from the Humboldt foundation, who I emailed about my language course. Sigh. I suspect I will have to make phone calls, but I also suspect that will not be easy, given my lack of spoken German.

In more positive news, we've gotten a bit of sunny weather, at least. And walking up and down these hills is going to have me in great shape. :)

Pluses and Minuses

So, I am in Germany. Feeling very alone and overwhelmed. Here's a breakdown of pluses and minuses in my first two days in Deutschland.

+ Got picked up from the airport, and made it to my apartment in one piece
+ Despite a cold/grey/rainy start (minus), yesterday ended up sunny and mild
+ Met two people at a party last night that I really should have met long ago.
+ Unexpectedly ran into some friendly acquaintances at the same party
+ Bought a smartphone (my first)

- Feeling very isolated and out of place because I don't speak German. This won't really be remedied until my German course in September.
- Things are really expensive here, and I can't use my credit card anywhere because they require cards with some sort of chip, which US cards lack.
- Found out I can't apply for permanent residency without certain paperwork which I won't get until September.
- Even sorting trash is confusing here (5 separate bins!)
- Was supposed to get 6 months free internet on my Smartphone, but only was given one.

And so it begins...

Depending on how things go, this will be where I document my year-long adventure in Germany. For now, I need to get back to packing and general trip prep.