Earlier this evening, I was sitting in my apartment, listening to the radio over Helga's stereo system (thanks to the gift of an Airport Express), when Britney Spears' "Til the World Ends" came on. The song immediately took me back to the late winter/early spring, when the song got a lot of radio play. I have a weakness for bad pop (and particularly for Britney Spears' music), and when the song would come on, I would crank my car stereo up as high it would go. Loud enough that the car would vibrate from the base. And I would speed around the twists and turns on 321/221/the Blue Ridge Parkway and try to lose myself in the music. In any case, I was certainly lost. Life was not happy. I was not well. My life had imploded in quite spectacular fashion.

...Here we are, many months later. In nearly every way that counts, life has improved. I have a postdoc that doesn't require me to do much of anything. I have a really nice apartment. In Europe. I have a full time job after the post-doc is over. And yet, I still struggle, and still sometimes fall into the same well in which I found myself earlier in the year. Those times are fewer and farther between, but they're still there. And while I feel like I am carrying around a neon sign that says "I'm still broken!", what I have learned is that people who are just meeting me do not see it. I have been told that I come across as a friendly, smiling, well-adjusted person. People have actually expressed shock to learn what I have gone through during the last year. This is perplexing to me, because I do not put up fronts. I can't do it. I have no poker face. So how can I understand this apparent contradiction? Because if asked, I would not say that I am a particularly happy person. I don't give up. I refuse to let life beat me down. I am doing the best I can to deal with my life. But happy? Not there yet. And yet, I think I can see my way there. I'll let you know when I find that place.

(And I actually mean to start posting here again, now that my language course is over and real life has begun again)